"Undertaker"
Grand, an undertaker in Pennsylvania came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day," replies Grand.
"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I did what I always do; I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see," says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?"
Grand replies, "Wrong room!"
"Kids in school think quick"
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : Maria!
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TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, 'School Ahead, Go Slow.'
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L'
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GL ENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
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TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
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TEACHER : Goss, why do you ! always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE : All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?'
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
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TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER : Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
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TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.