Monday, April 27, 2009
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.”
DeZined @ 9:57 AM
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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually the one in charge.
DeZined @ 9:57 AM
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A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquires.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responds.
The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
DeZined @ 9:55 AM
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Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"
DeZined @ 9:55 AM
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Saturday, April 11, 2009
This is a joke specially prepared for those who didn pay attention in class called:
Observation( Mine Favorite)
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered by a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and sucked on his finger.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
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Misunderstanding
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw,and spots another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but thenoise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language.
He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning,"need",and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and shouts," What the f*ck is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed a handsaw!" The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell
you I'm coming."
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DeZined @ 10:04 AM
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Condom Vs Kotex
Condom says to Kotex,
"When you work, I lose seven days of business."
Kotex replies, "If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine months
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Camel Vs Elephant
A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: "Why do you have your **** on your back?"
The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face!"
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Singapore Vs Franch
The Americans were very proud that they were the first to use copper telephone wires. They dug 10 metres and found copper wires in use by their ancestors.
Not to be outdone, the French dug 100 metres and found fibre optics! See, we French people were using fibre optics 100 years ago!
The Singaporeans were unimpressed. MM Lee ordered his government officials to dig. They dug 10 metres and found nothing. They dug 100 metres and also found nothing. They decided to dig 1000 metres and also found nothing!
Anyway, MM Lee said: Well, this shows that 1000 years ago, we were already using wireless!
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Paos Vs Mee
Char Siew Pao and Mee Kia got involved in an argument. Char Siew Pao got very angry and shouted at Mee Kia, "I'm going to find my gang to hantam you!"
So Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow.
Just then, Maggi Mee walked around the corner. Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up.
As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted, "Don't think just because you perm your hair, we can't recognize you, ok!"
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Chinese Vs Americans
Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese”. “Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”
DeZined @ 10:01 AM
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Ok..been in a joke less mood nowadays..
But still it the jokes that make me happy again.
here the jokes for today, enjoy~
This Donkey(Singlish joke)
One weekend evening, a well-dressed couple stepped into a fancy French Restaurant. The gentleman was in his tux and the lady was in fur
The maitre d’ assigned the couple a table with a personal waitress, Jackie.
As soon as the couple sat down, Jackie asked the gentleman what they would like to have for their entrée.
The gentleman said. “I would like to have the Foie Gras de canard and this donkey here will have the Salad.”
Jackie was surprised by what the gentleman said and was even more surprised at how the lady reacted to what her gentleman friend said. The lady was just sitting there quietly. Jackie shook off the surprise and went to make the order
After serving the entrée, Jackie waited quietly until they finish their entrée. As she was clearing the dishes, she asked the gentleman what they would like for the main course.
The gentleman said, “I think I will like to have the Filet de Boeuf and this donkey can have the Filet de Daurade.”
Jackie was again shocked by what the gentleman said and the lady’s lack of reaction.
After the couple finished their main course, Jackie asked the gentle man what they would like for their dessert.
The gentleman said, “I will like a chocolate sorbet and give this donkey an ice-cream.”
Jackie couldn’t resist any more and asked the lady,” Excuse me mam, but how can you sit there quietly while this gentleman keep insulting you?
The lady calmly looked at her………
and then said, “ Yeh lor,…. He ho always like that one lah!… He ho always too much one lah!...... He ho very bad… He ho always so rude lor….. He ho……..
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Every wonders those budget airline,
how is their services? Check it out..
t was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the South.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked
the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
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We all have those time where we dunno how to 造句 when we are young.
How do we get out of that situation?
Maybe you can learn from them..hahas
one generation better than one generation.
小学生造句
1.题目: 原来
小朋友写: 原来他是我爸爸。
老师评语: 妈妈关切一下
2.题目: ..一边........... 一边 ............ ..
小朋友写: 他一边脱衣服 ,一边穿裤子.
老师评语: 他到底要脱还是要穿啊~~
3.题目: 其中
小朋友写: 我的其中一只左脚受伤了。
老师评语: 你是蜈蚣？~~
4.题目: 一... 就....
小朋友写: 一只娃娃就要一百块。
老师评语: 老师笑到不行..
5. 題目: 你看
小朋友写: 你看什么看! 没看过啊
6. 照样造句
例题: 你 (唱歌) 我(跳舞)
小朋友写 : 你(好吗 ) 我(很好)
老师评语: 你在写英文翻译吗??
7.照样造句
例题: 别人都夸我( )，其实我( )
小朋友写: 别人都夸我( 很帅 )，其实我( 是戴面具的) 。
老师评语 : 什么面具这么好用???
8.题目: 好... 又好..
小朋友写: 妈妈的腿,好细又好粗...!
老师评语: 那到底是细还是粗？
9. 题目 : 陆陆续续
小朋友写: 下班了，爸爸陆陆续续的回来。
老师评语: 你到底有几个爸爸呀?
10.题目: 皮开肉绽
小朋友写: 停电的夜晚，到处很黑，我吓得皮开肉绽!
老师评语: 看到这句... 老师佩服你。
11.题目: 欣欣向荣-比喻生长美好的样子。
小朋友写: 我的弟弟长得欣欣向荣。
老师评语: 孩子，你弟弟是植物人吗 ...
还有一个更瞎的…
小朋友写: 欣欣向荣荣告白。
老师评语: 连续剧不要看太多~~
12. 题目: 谢谢....因为 ......
小朋友写 : 我要谢谢妈妈,因为她每天都帮我写作业......
老师评语: 原来你的作业是妈妈写的!!!!!!!
13.题目: 难过
小朋友写: 我家门前有条水沟很难过。
老师评语 : 老师更难过......
14. 题目: 天才
小朋友写: 我３天才洗一次澡。
老师评语: 要每天洗才干净~~
15.題目: 一… 便 …
小朋友写: 我一走出门，对面就是便利商店。
还有一個更瞎的…
小朋友写: 哥哥一吃完饭，就大便。
老师评语: 造句不要乱造...
16. 題目: 又..... 又 .....
小朋友寫: 我的妈妈又矮又高又瘦又肥。
老师评语:你妈妈......是怪物吗?
17果然
上课小朋友说：昨天我吃了水果，然后又喝了凉水
老师：这是词组，不能分开造句。
小朋友又说：老师，我还没说完呢，果然晚上我拉肚子了！
老师：…………
18 瓜分
小朋友：大傻瓜分不清是非
老师：小傻瓜也分不清
19 好吃
小朋友：好吃个屁
老师： ………
20 况且
小朋友：一辆火车经过，况且况且况且况且．．．．．
老师：……………
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Is faithful always a good thing?
"You're Always By My Side"
A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident. The
impact was on his head which caused him to be in a coma for 2 days.
When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side.
He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with my studies in the
University, I failed again and again. Sometimes I even have to
re-take my papers. You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."
She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I went for major
interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there,
cutting out the job ads for me to apply..."
He added, "then I started working in this little firm and finally got
a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are
still there for me." His wife was in tears.
The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off for quite
some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not
recognized. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the
company till now.
You are still beside me..."
His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him, "And now I met
with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with me."
"There's something I'll really like to say to you..."
She flung herself on the bed and hugged her husband, sobbing with
deep emotion. Finally her husband said,
.....................
.........................
................................
........ ...................................
.................................................. ..
.................................................. ...........
"I think you bring me bad luck."
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DeZined @ 8:53 AM
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Tuesday, April 7, 2009
For those who understand Chinese:
羊座
妈妈经常叮嘱羊羊： "穿裙子时不可以荡秋千；不然，会被小男生看到里面的小内裤哦！ "
有一天，羊羊高兴地对妈妈说： "今天我和小明比赛荡秋千，我赢了！ "
妈妈生气地说： "不是告诉过你吗？穿裙子时不要荡秋千！ "
羊羊骄傲地说： "可是我好聪明哦！我把里面的小内裤脱掉了，这样他就看不到我的小内裤了！ "
（勇敢直率、敢做敢为的白羊）
金牛座
卖瓜小贩：" 快来吃西瓜，不甜不要钱！"
饥渴的牛牛："哇！太好了，老板，来个不甜的！ "
（持家、想出轨又顾全自己的金牛）
双子座
妈妈叫双双起床： "快点起来！公鸡都叫好几遍了！ "
双双说： "公鸡叫和我有什么关系？我又不是母鸡！ "
（自我意识强烈、自行思维的双子）
巨蟹座
公车上，蟹蟹说：" 今晚我要和妈妈睡！"
妈妈问道："你将来娶了媳妇也和妈妈睡阿？ "
蟹蟹不假思索： "嗯！ "
妈妈又问： "那你媳妇怎么办？ "
蟹蟹想了半天，说： "好办，让她跟爸爸睡！"
妈妈：" ！＠＃＄％︿＆＊（……—"
再看爸爸，已经热泪盈眶啦！
（恋母情结、依恋的巨蟹）
狮子座
狮狮去参加奶奶的寿宴。到了吃寿包的时候，狮狮问： "我们为什么要吃这种像屁股的寿包？ "
众人听了脸色大变。
接著狮狮拨开寿包，看看里面的豆沙，说： "奶奶，快看！里面还有大便！ "
众人晕的晕，吐的吐。
（以自我感受、不怕旁人眼光的骄傲的狮子）
处女座
处处对肚脐很好奇，就问爸爸。
爸爸把脐带连著胎儿与母体的道理简单地讲了一下，说： "婴儿离开母体之后，医生把脐带减断，并打了一个结，後来就成了肚脐。 "
处处： "那医生为什么不打个蝴蝶结？ "
（好奇心强又追求完美的处女）
天秤座
父亲对天天说：" 今天不要上学了，昨晚．．．你妈给你生了两个弟弟。你给老师说一下就行了。"
天天却回答："爸爸，我只说生了一个；另一个，我想留著下星期不想上时再说！ "
（聪明、权衡利弊的天平）
天蠍座
蠍蠍刚睡著，就叫蚊子叮了一口。
他起来赶蚊子，却怎么也赶不出去。没法，便指著蚊子说：" 好吧，你不出去我出去！" 边说边出了房间，把门使劲关严得意地说：" 哼！我今晚不进屋，非把你饿死不可！"
（搞不懂、不按常理出牌的天蝎）
射手座
射射： "爸爸，为什么你有那么多白头发？ "
爸爸： "因为你不乖，所以爸爸有好多白头发阿。 "
射射： ……（疑惑中）
射射：" 那为什么爷爷全部都是白头发？"
爸爸：！＠＃＄％︿＆＊（……
（喜欢思考的射手）
摩羯座
一天，羯羯跟妈妈上街；走在路上，突然下起雨来。
妈妈拉过羯羯的小手，说： "下雨了，快往前跑阿！"
羯羯慢条斯理地问： "那前面就不下雨喽！？"
（明白现实懒得改变的摩羯）
水瓶座
瓶瓶问妈妈： "问什么称蒋先生为『先人』？ "
妈妈说： "因为' 先人' 是对死去的人的称呼。"
瓶瓶说：" 那去世的奶奶是不是要叫『鲜奶』？"
（天生的另类、脑筋思考永远和常人不一样的水瓶）
双鱼座
爸爸给鱼鱼讲小时候经常挨饿的事。
听完後，鱼鱼两眼含泪，十分同情地问：" 哦，爸爸，你是因为没饭吃才来我们家的吗？"
（富含丰富同情心、不分情况对象的双鱼）
For those who don't understand Chinese
I will try to Sub it when I have the extra time.
DeZined @ 9:32 AM
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Ever think that waiting for a bus at our typical Bus stop is so boring and nothing to do..
Or if You think that our bus-stop already quite cool?
Take a Look at this!
Stamp Bus-stop
Comfortable Bus-Stop
Stone-Age Bus-Stop
Star War Edition
Home Edition
Shopping Mall Style
Play-Ground Style
Street Skating Style
The MOST ARTISTIC AWARD GOES TO:
And Finally My Favorite and any one who wanna stand at this Bus stop
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DeZined @ 8:51 AM
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Friday, April 3, 2009
Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
Ok.. This is another flight that cannot be taken like that AIR INDIA
here..take a look..hahas
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
There have been many cases of Child custody nowadays..But most of the times the winner are the woman right? Here a tips for the Guys to win the cases..
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
....He Won....
Ok tired from posting too much..later than post more again.=)
Pls help to spread laughter to your friends thank you~
DeZined @ 9:35 PM
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Ever wonders? What if you need to be knowledgeable to enter Heaven?
Check this out!
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Ok..enough of the Heaven.. Let start about Hell..
Who say Satan is bad? At least he welcome every member by giving them a choice.
Or not?
This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.
So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".
Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.
Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.
So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"
DeZined @ 9:11 PM
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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
DeZined @ 9:02 PM
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Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Ok..shall post today when I am free..So just 1 small jokes before I off..
FBI agents conducted a raid of a San Diego psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping the hospital.
Agent: "Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda."
Pizza Man: "And where would you like them delivered?"
Agent: "We're over at the psychiatric hospital."
Pizza Man: "To the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's right. I'm an FBI agent."
Pizza Man: "You're an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's correct. Just about everybody here is."
Pizza Man: "And you're at the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas."
Pizza Man: "And you say you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. How soon can you have them here?"
Pizza Man: "And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI Agent?"
Agent: "That's right. We've been here all day, and we're starving."
Pizza Man: "How are you going to pay for all of this?"
Agent: "I have my checkbook right here."
Pizza Man: "And you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked."
Pizza Man: "I don't think so."[Click]
DeZined @ 7:49 AM
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Star War Edition 
